Sta.sh
I've always liked the feeling
Of a warm soothing bath
Dirt raging and suffering
The hot water's wrath
Bubbles making cities
Of suds and foam
Castles and towers
And a church's dome
Protecting their territory
From grime and rot
And bands of dirt clods
On mud horses a'trot
Soap throws their rocks
And grime their arrows
And of all the action
The water harrows
Clean takes one hit
But dirt takes two
And they see the futility
The battle is through
The battle winds down
And the clean wins out
And they take the names
Of troops lives without
They return to their city
Squeaky walls a'glow
They notice a noise
Hissing and low
They realize their peril
The drain has been popped!
As the water swirls down
Into the void with a 'plop'
The skirmish is over
But the war is not
The next day has begun
And the dirt has a plot
I'll return tomorrow
All grimy again
And the war will continue
No sight of an end.
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What draws poetry away from prose is not only the barrage of imagery but the way the words are pared down, leaving only necessary words. For example: "I've always liked the feeling / of warm soothing bath" or "/ hot water's wrath / bubbles making cities / suds and foam"
Often what happens when poets are experimenting with structure and meter, is that the content of the poem (what you want to say/express) gets lost in the constraints which you are self-imposing. This is what I mean by writing freely, write without constraint, write like your life depends on it and then from the ashes, you take what you want and mould it into something new aka a poem.
In terms of starting a poem, I would suggest starting at Line 4 "Hot water's wrath, bubbles making cities, suds / and foam, castles, towers / and a church dome". This imagery throws the reader straight into the beautiful but perilous world. It's not only very imaginative, but also playful and you want the reader to grasp onto your poem and continue the sudsy journey.
Line 8 "And a church's dome". I believe as I have set out above that there should be a full stop after "dome" then you can continue the poem as: "Protecting terriority from grime/ and rot/ bands of dirt clods/ on mud horses a'trot".
Still I feel as if the rhyming restrains the breathing space of the poem. The old language doesn't serve the poem it's true justice. Let the imagination breathe through the poem and into the eyes of the reader.
Because there is such an imagination in this piece, I feel that you need to develop a character, so that the reader can attach themselves to the shadow of that character, and follow them through their journey. A reader will come away with his or her's own sense of journey. In a sense, there are many distinctive journey's all acting at once, to ensure that happens, include a character. You have already done this, when you cite "they notice a noise" but the "they" isn't too important to the reader, and therefore our interest once again, falls away.
Also in considering form, think about removing unnecessary capitals from each line. Microsoft word is annoying as it wants to capitalise each new sentence on a line, but be wary, it's not a poet's friend!
I hope this helps, keep on writing but let yourself free a little bit. Experimenting is fun, but experiment in all forms, so that you can find the one that fits you and your style the best. I agree with *jamberry-song in the fact that this would make a very good children's book.
Let me know if you have any questions
Keep it up bro.